Saturday, 31 December 2011

Red Riding Hood - Creepy Puzzle from 1941

Red Riding Hood haunted by creepy floating faces...
She can sense them...
Can you see them?

Tuesday, 27 December 2011

Doctor Who meets Dracula!

Now this seems plausible.
Actually no it doesn't.
Doctor Who meets Bela Lugosi's Dracula.
Now if memory serves he does meet Dracula in "The Chase" but it turns out to be fairground attraction.
Then there are of course the vampires of "State of Decay", "The Curse of Fenric" and "Vampires of Venice".
But this is the only time he meets the real honest to goodness Count Dracula.
Unless of course this turns out not to be canon.
Which it probably isn't.
Full story below!

Saturday, 24 December 2011

Happy Life Day! - Let's Celebrate Christmas by watching the Star Wars Christmas Special!

Right this isn't Canon but I say if George is allowed "The Phantom Menace" then he has to have this!

Incidentally if you can't be arsed to sit through this utter dross then you could just watch Princess Leia singing "Life Day" which isn't Canon but by God it should be on every Christmas album.

Or watch the only good bit - this animated adventure that introduces Boba Fett which might be canon.

Happy Life Day!

Good King Wenceslas - The Sequel (Taken from The Utterly Utterly Merry Comic Relief Christmas Book)

Taken from "The Utterly, Utterly Merry Comic Relief Christmas Book" published in 1986.
This is the Sequel to "Good King Wenceslas". It describes what happens when the King goes to the Peasant's house which occurs at the end of the previous carol.

I was in a choir when I was a kid and I remember this parody very clearly, it scans well and was enormous fun to sing to boot.
Have an Utterly Utterly Merry Christmas - Oh and please donate to Comic Relief while you're at it!

The Nativity - It's Time to Get Real - The Young Ones - The Utterly Utterly Merry Comic Relief Christmas Book

Great version of the nativity!

Friday, 23 December 2011

The Snowman, The Grinch, Rudolf and his Brother in Nursery (all with colds)

Bet you didn't know these guys were good mates back in the day...

Made by my kids and I, December 2011

Good King Wenceslas - The Zombie Version

It's a great version! But is it Zombies singing or people? I had a bit of trouble scanning the start of the second verse, "Hither Zombies chase after her" but I think I made it fit.
Can Zombies sing?
I'm not sure they should even run...
Canon? You decide...
Happy Zombie Christmas!

The Snowman - Which Intro is Canon?

There are three possible openings to this classic animation which everyone in the world must watch at 4pm tomorrow.
The first two came at the same time.
Firstly we see Raymond Briggs walking through the landscape that inspired him and talking of remembering the snow which gives the following cartoon a real autobiographical edge.

Then there is the version with David Bowie who goes into a loft (presumably of the house in the cartoon) talks of snow and then picks up the scarf that James gets from Santa indicating that David Bowie is the boy from “The Snowman”.  Incredible.

Finally we have an animated version from the 20th anniversary edition in which Santa backs up his version of the story. He was there, he met James…

There is no argument, the cartoon is a documentary, it happened. Raymond Briggs and Bowie are clearly childhood friends, David Bowie is James and Santa is real. FACT.

Wednesday, 21 December 2011

A Christmas Carol - Mickey's Version...

You can't get much more Christmassy than this.
Lovely lovely lovely.
No one does humble and browbeaten better than Mickey as Cratchit, he should have won an oscar for this...

Canon: Yep
Christmassy? Almost too christmassy...

The Continuing Adventures of Santa Claus - Santa Claus and Mr Snow

Now this is definitely true.
The telling of this is almost documentary like in it's authentcity.
Actually this is so Christmassy you can smell the mince pies. Lean closer, go on! Sniff! Lick the screen! You taste that? That's Christmas.
Santa gets stuck, how will the children get their toys?

He gets stuck next to a snowman...

Using magic he brings the snowman to life!
The snowman helps him out of the snowdrift
AND helps to deliver all the right toys to all the right boys
and all the right toys to all the right girls!

There are various toys including some medicine for a small
alcoholic child suffering from DTs...
Above is one of her tragic hallucinations...

FACT: Father Christmas ALWAYS uses a magically animated snowman to help with the delivery of all the presents to all of the children.

Very Canon
Very Christmas

Now watch it again

Tuesday, 20 December 2011

Monday, 19 December 2011

The Continuing Adventures of Santa Claus - Santa Claus Versus the Zombies

Santa exists.
Zombies exist.
It's all going to kick off.
Thanks heaven for Santa.

Sunday, 18 December 2011

The Snowman - An Earlier Version!

Now then...

This picture is taken from the hardback edition of "An Oxford Book of Christmas Stories" buy it!

The following is an adaptation of Mabel Marlowe's Christmas classic. It is taken from The Storytelling Resource Centre
Oddly it reminds me of "Jack Frost" the hilarious (and best) serial killer snowman film...
Or Simon's Snowman from Viz - (Watch out it's rude and sweary!)
One wonders whether the author's of those works were influenced by this tale...
Read Marlowe's version to the kids last night and they loved it. This was taken from "The Oxford Book of Christmas Stories."
You have to get "The Oxford Book of Christmas Stories" if you have even the slightest of Christmas bones in your body... I read this in front of our Christmas tree before they went to bed.
Really needed a roaring fire... still...

The Ill-tempered Snowman


It was dawn on an icy-cold Christmas morning. The sun was emerging from over the horizon and standing on the top of a hill was the snowman. He had been there for about three weeks and was looking the worse for wear.
There was a stick underneath his arm. If he had originally had a hat and scarf, it had long since been stolen. One of the stones that had been his eyes had fallen off, so he only had one eye.
The carrot that was placed in the middle of his face to represent his nose was now rotten and had become black and shrivelled, and the small stick that was his mouth had slipped down slightly at one end, so that his mouth was crooked – he was not a pretty sight!
And he was cold! Oh was he cold! The wind at the top of the hill was relentless and he had almost become solid ice! He gazed straight forward with his one eye and watched as the sun rose a little higher in the sky. “That looks as though it might be warm”, he thought to himself. The large red golden ball did indeed look as though it might be warm. “I think I’ll just go a little nearer and see if it is!”
He carefully picked up one foot and shook away the loose snow. Then he did the same with the other and clumsily began to walk down the hill, clump, clump, clumpety clump, clumpety, clumpety clump.
As he made his way down the hill, the snowman noticed an old woman gathering sticks for her fire. She was wearing a big red woollen shawl. “Ooh! That looks warm”, he thought. He went over to the old lady and said, “Give me that shawl!” “I will not!” replied the old lady. “I made this for myself many years ago to keep me warm on a cold day like today!”
“Cold?… Cold? You don’t know the meaning of the word!” said the snowman. “Do YOU have a pillar of solid ice running down the centre of YOUR body?” “No, I haven’t” said the old lady. “Well I DO!” responded the snowman, nastily. “So give me that shawl, or I’ll hit you on the head with my stick!”
Well the old lady didn’t want to be hit on the head, so reluctantly, she handed the shawl to the snowman. And without so much as a ”Please may I?” or even the hint of a “Thank you very much!” the snowman took the shawl and wrapped it tightly around his shoulders. With that, he set off once again down the hill, Clump, clump, clumpety clump, clumpety, clumpety, clump. Followed (at a safe distance!) by the old lady.
A little further down the hill, the snowman came upon a young boy who was making snowballs and throwing them at a tree. The snowman noticed that the boy was wearing a pair of bright red woollen gloves. “Ooh! They look warm!” thought the snowman. “Give me those gloves!” he demanded. “I will not!” the boy replied, “My mother knitted them for me. They keep my hands warm on a cold day!” “Cold?…Cold? What do you know about cold? Bellowed the snowman. Are YOU covered with snow from head to foot?” “No”, said the boy “I’m not”. “Well I AM! The snowman shouted back. “And if you don’t give me your gloves right now, I’ll hit you on the head with my stick!”
Well the boy didn’t want to be hit on the head so he reluctantly took off his gloves and handed them to the snowman. And without so much as a “Please may I?” or even the hint of a “Thank you very much!” the snowman took the gloves and put them on his hands. He drew the old lady’s shawl more tightly around his shoulders and set off again down the hill, with a clump, clump, clumpety clump, clumpety, clumpety clump! Followed (at a safe distance!) by the old lady and the young boy.
When he got nearer the foot of the hill, he noticed an old farmer sitting on a bench, tying up his bootlace. The farmer was wearing a bright red woolly hat. “Ooh! That looks warm”, thought the snowman, when he saw the woolly hat. “Give me that woolly hat!” he demanded of the farmer. “I will not!” answered the farmer. “My wife knitted it for me to keep my head warm on a cold day!” “Cold? ….Cold? What do YOU know about cold?” the snowman angrily replied. Do icicles drip from the end of YOUR nose?” “No” said the farmer, “They don’t”. “Well they DO from mine!” said the snowman, “And if you don’t give me your hat, I will hit you on the head with my stick!”
Well the farmer didn’t want to be hit on the head and so he also handed over his warm, woolly hat. And without so much as a “Please may I?” or even the hint of a “Thank you very much!” the snowman pulled the hat down over where his ears would have been (if he’d had any!), pulled his gloves further onto his hands, wrapped the shawl even tighter around his shoulders and continued to the bottom of the hill, with a clump, clump, clumpety clump, clumpety, clumpety clump! Followed (at a safe distance!) by the old lady, the young boy and the old farmer.
When he arrived at the foot of the hill, the snowman saw a village. At the edge of the village was the schoolhouse and standing in the doorway of the schoolhouse was the schoolmaster – wearing a pair of bright red velvet slippers!
“Ooh! They look warm!” thought the snowman. He clumped up to the schoolmaster and rudely demanded, “Give me those slippers!” “Certainly!” replied the schoolmaster, But if take them off here I’ll get my feet wet. Why don’t you come inside where it’s warm?” The snowman went into the schoolhouse and the schoolmaster led him into his living quarters. There was a big fire burning in the grate. “Now then”, said the schoolmaster, pulling a chair towards the fire, “Why don’t you sit here and warm your feet while I go and take my slippers off.” The snowman sat in the chair and the schoolmaster pushed him even closer to the fire and left the room.
By this time, the old lady, the young boy and the old farmer had arrived outside the schoolhouse and were peering in through the window.
The schoolmaster returned and said to the snowman, “I’ll give you my slippers shortly but I was just about to make some hot soup, I’ll bring you some,” He pushed the chair even closer to the fire and then noticed the old lady and her companions looking in though the window. “Come in” he said to them, you look colder than the snowman, would you like some soup?”
The three came in. They looked over towards the fireplace. All they could see was a chair and on the floor beneath the chair, a very wet shawl, a wet pair of gloves and a wet woolly hat, all floating in a great pool of water!The schoolmaster picked up the wet clothing, wrung out the water and placed the items on a clothes-horse. “There”, he said, “We’ll hang them here to dry”. He picked up a mop and mopped up the water that had been the snowman. There was also a small, black stone and a piece of stick, which he threw on to the fire. The larger stick he used to poke the fire.
“That’s the snowman sorted”, said the schoolmaster. “Serves him right! Now who’s for soup?”
Adapted from 'The Snow-Man' by Mabel Marlowe (Oxford Book of Christmas Stories -1986) Back to Christmas Tales

Mabel Marlowe doesen't have a wiki! Somebody sort this out please!

The Continuing Adventures of Santa Claus - Santa Claus Doing a Wordsearch

Absolutely he does wordsearches.
There are many documented instances of him doing puzzles.
Look at any shelf at your newsagents.

Saturday, 17 December 2011

The Continuing Adventures of Santa Claus - Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

This is an infamous number and indeed it looks like a film that would make one's eyes melt and one's brain pour out of one's ears.

Santa is peace loving and would do no conquering of any Martians but as this is Christmas we can live with watching tosh.

Canon? No.
Good? What do you think?

The Nativity... it's time to get real...again...

This year's offering went down a storm with the pensioner's this year!
A great piece of work from Jonathan Shelley that truly brings the Christmas Tale to life without going off at any tangents.
Canon? Probably. Hey it's Christmas!
The Theale Nativity 2011 by Storytelling by Lambert

Friday, 16 December 2011

The Continuing Adventures of Santa Claus - Santa Claus in Narnia

I like Narnia.
I love Santa.
But I was always a little concerned with his appearance in "The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe."
As a child it took me out of the story.
Oh he exists in Narnia?
But Narnia doesn't exist!
So are you saying Santa doesn't exist?
C.S. Lewis murdered my childhood.
As an adult I was more concerned that apart from the trumpet for Susan and the healing potion for Lucy the rest of the presents were all GBH and murder related:
A sword and shield for Peter.
Bow and arrows for Susan.
And a dagger for Lucy, who is supposed to be 8 or 9.

Santa: Just in case you need to shank somebody.
Lucy: I can look after myself, I know how to use this. Now get out of my face, dog.

Look at her inner struggle here!
Lucy: Santa gave me the dagger, therefore stabbing must be okay.
It must be.

CS Lewis is to blame for much of the knife crime being committed by upper class 8 year old girls.

Canon: Nope. Father Christmas doesn't fit into the violent world of Narnia, a world that has twisted the minds of generations of children over the years.
All the Bible Belt people love Narnia but have a problem with Harry Potter.
How many people have been killed by wands?
How many people have been killed by knives?
Allow me to illustrate with a very detailed pie chart:

I rest my case m'lud.

Sunday, 4 December 2011

The Nativity... it's time to get real...

The Nativity.

A beautiful work of literature written by many hands over many centuries.

But which account is better?

Matthew's with the wise men?

Luke's with the shepherds?

Or Mark and John who don't really care and move on to the miracles, chicks and car chases as quickly as they can?

Try this one! Written by Jonathan Shelley to be lipsynched to at a school in Reading UK for a Pensioner's Party in Christmas 2010. What are they teaching the kids these days?

The Theale Nativity 2010 by Storytelling by Lambert

Sunday, 27 November 2011

The Hobbit - Is this the worst cover art ever?

I bought "The Hobbit" Graphic Novel from a seller in America and was sent this instead.
I got a refund and they told me to keep the book.
I'm really not surprised.
Russell Grant Yesterday
Bilbo looks like Russell Grant.
And Gollum, my god the artist has made no effort there, looks like a bloke in a cheap mask.
The text inside is the original, but I couldn't go through the book picturing the two characters like that.
Notice at the top it tells us that this is "The Authorized Edition" - I presume it tells us that so we don't assume, from the artwork, that this is a cheap knock off.

This picture is NOT canon.

Monday, 14 November 2011

Doctor Who and the Bat!

Doctor Who has probably met a bat.
But is this canon?
This Doctor seems somewhat lazy in his thinking and explanation.
"Bats fly at night by using some kind of "radar"".
I'd want more from the cleverest man in the universe than that.

Sunday, 13 November 2011

Doctor Who and the Flying Squirrel!

Definitely Canon
He probably has met a flying squirrel.
Whether he was floating (in a style much akin to the Phantom Zone) in the night next to it is less certain.

Sunday, 6 November 2011

Brilliant Mash-ups 2 - Batman Versus Jack the Ripper in Victorian Gotham

Soooo good.
Batman is relocated to Victorian Gotham without explanation.
No time travel.
The whole story, origin, everything is moved.
Fantastic and the artwork is beautiful.
Buy it here.
Did I say that the great Robert Bloch wrote the introduction?

Friday, 28 October 2011

Why 99p Store is the best shop in the world - your very own Wicker Man Hand of Glory!

Poundland don't sell this!
99p Store are better than Poundland it is official.
In fact if you can point out a shop that sells a Hand of Glory for less than 99p then do tell.
Look! Compare with the picture below it looks exactly the same!

I plan to recreate this moment at tomorrow's Halloween Party.
Admittedly the kids won't get the reference but who cares!

Sunday, 16 October 2011

Thor and Twinkies Save the Earth - But Can Twinkies be trusted? (Twinkie Mind Control exposed!)

Branagh missed a trick in his recent adaptation of Marvel's Thor.
Twinkies distract the baddie whilst Thor smashes the dangerous machinery.
I still don't have a clue what a Twinkie is but have heard references to them in Zombieland, Ghostbusters and Die Hard.
They must be pretty amazing.
Now I've looked up an American commercial to throw some light on this.
Call it research if you will.
I've changed my mind!
Twinkies are evil. And for Thor to team up with them makes me very concerned.
Look! Twinkie the Kid tells us that little kids can see him.
Then the child asks the mother if she would like to try a Twinkie like some evil little drug pusher.
And then... then... oh the humanity...
"Can you see him now Mummy?"
And with a slightly sad bewildered look Mother replies "I'm beginning to..."
Was this commercial drected by Larry Cohen? It's like "The Stuff" for heavens sake!

Sunday, 2 October 2011

The A-Team and Star Wars together at last! The Bad Guys in an Action Figure mash-up!

What is inside this old tin of Quality Street?
Let us open it and take a look.

Star Wars figures and for some reason a small bottle of rum.
This must be from my youth.
I wonder what is written on that list?

Ah it appears to be an inventory of the figures in the tin.
I shall just turn it over.
Wait a moment, what is that at the bottom?

Aside from "Thingy" and "Jabba Weirdo" two lesser known characters from the Star Wars canon, there are 4 "Bad Guys" from the A-Team.
Let's take a look.
Gosh they look mean.
Were they from the original series or are they simply generic bad guys?
Actually these were made as oppostion for the set of A-Team figures.
I don't have the A-team I only have "The Bad Guys".
I got them from Woolworths in a sale.
I thought they would fit in with my Star Wars figures, they are the same size after all.
I had to look this up on the net, I found out their names (I didn't keep packaging, I was a normal child and played with my toys).
This is Cobra.
What's wrong with his eye?

This is Rattler.
He looks quite kind actually. Maybe he's a gardener.
And here's Python.
Another Bad Guy with an eye problem.
And Viper.
Or Groundskeeper Willie.
Actually this guy is pretty detailed.
Looks like the kind of guy you might meet down the pub.
So yes I did put these bad guys (who were bereft of their destined opposition) to work for the Empire.
Seemed right.
Of course we all remember the scene in Jabba the Hutt's Palace (I wasn't rich so I used my garden for this) where he met with Bounty Hunters including The Bad Guys from the A Team.
And on the Forest Moon of Endor who could forget The Bad Guys lending a hand to Darth Vader's shenanigans?
They were mean.
 They were tough.
I had no idea who the hell they were supposed to be from the series,
but like Emily loved Bagpuss
I loved The Bad Guys...

Thursday, 22 September 2011

Asterix, Bond and Zardoz

how do you make gifs
We all know of course that Sean Connery appeared in Asterix in the great "Asterix and the Black Gold"
He is a Secret Agent called Dubbelosix as he took his druidical exams six times and failed.
This is of course Canon for Asterix but for Bond? Probably not.
Although there is the obligatory self destructing message...

However the Sean Connery caricature is modelled on his Zardoz character.
Zardoz is an incredible film from 1973.
There is an incredible celebration of it here on "Mounds and Circles" check it out!